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Controversy erupted today after CNN aired a report claming that Santa Claus has repeatedly jumped the space/time continuum in order to reach aggressive gift delivery targets. The report, part of an investigative series entitled Santa Claus: Lies Revealed, accuses Mr. Claus of time traveling to cope with deliveries that have jumped 42% since 1983 because of global population growth. "The only possible way for Santa to meet the delivery schedule was to rise to the fourth dimension," says CNN’s Richard Killjoy. "His longtime assertion that he circles the earth in a reindeer driven sleigh while children are sleeping is a total lie. People deserve to know the truth."
Crowds of angry children and parents, many carrying signs that read "Santa Lies" and "Who can we trust?" protested at shopping malls across the country today. Tear gas and rubber bullets were used to disperse mobs in several cities. While Mr. Claus was unavailable for comment, Kris Kringle Industrial, the holding company that operates Santa’s North Pole manufacturing facilities and reindeer transportation network, issued a statement vigorously denying the report. "Santa delivers each and every gift in the third dimension," the statement said. "He is hurt by these hateful allegations." Shares of Kris Kringle Industrial (NYSE: KKI) fell sharply in early trading.
Competing children’s icons sought to distance themselves from the scandal. The Easter Bunny said in a statement that he was "saddened and confused by the possibility that Santa Claus is a big fat liar," and the Tooth Fairy said through a spokesperson that her own space/time research had been abandoned in the mid-1970s. The White House had no official comment, but a source close to the President said that he was "deeply concerned" about the allegations, and was considering a United Nations Security Council resolution that would authorize use of force against Mr. Claus.
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